Don’t Take it Personally!
This is one of my top three parenting secrets or tools - one that really rocked my world and helped me become a better parent.
12 Minute Read
I’m in the mood for sharing, and so today I want to share with you one of my top three parenting “secrets”. This is one I’ve been trying to practice a LOT lately with my preteen and when I can manage to do it, I always find it to be transformational.
If you follow me on Facebook or Instagram you’ve probably seen me post about the importance of not taking our children’s behaviours personally. This is quite honestly one of the parenting tools I’ve learned that has really rocked my world and changed my parenting (and my life) for the better!
Why is this so important? Because when we take our child’s off-track behaviours personally, we make the issue about US, not them, so we’re never actually getting to the root of WHY the child was mis-behaving or acting out in the first place. When we take behaviours personally we tend to feel wounded. And when we are wounded we do what everyone does when we get hurt - we either close ourselves off, we lash out, or we do both. This means we are less likely to remain calm and present (which our child NEEDS when they are dysregulated, in order to co-regulate with us or “borrow our calm”) and we will be less likely to get curious as to why our child is having such a hard time.
When we are busy nursing our own hurt feelings, we run the risk of making the situation feel less safe for the child (and ourselves) by getting caught up in the drama of it all. And when people feel less safe, their fight, flight or freeze response is activated, or stays activated and things are likely to escalate like a runaway train.
When your child is having a really hard time and is out of sorts, creating safety and calm are the areas where the magic happens. This is where connection and learning can take place. This simply can’t happen for our child when their trusted adult is busy licking their wounds or stewing over what the child just screamed at them.
When our child is rude or disrespectful, quite often we are instantly creating (or reinforcing) a storyline in our minds, that might sound something like:
Something must be wrong with this child!
I’m a terrible parent because I can’t stop this!
Why can’t I better control him?
I never spoke to my parents this way!
If I don’t stop this and shut it down this instant, how will she ever learn what is right?
He’s going to grow up to be a psychopath!
These spiralling thoughts then lead to the belief that our child is damaged, or that we are bad parents, or that the child will NEVER be able to control themselves and are doomed to have a miserable life where they hurt other people. Very likely these beliefs are anything but true.
What I want to remind you of is that our child’s rudeness and mis-behaviour is not about us. It’s about the child. It is quite simply just an SOS they are sending you (loud and clear!) that they are having a hard time - that something isn’t right in their world. It’s about their tangled up feelings, their difficulty controlling themselves, their feelings of disconnection and their immature ability to understand and express their emotions.
This is even true of preteens and teens who, let’s face it, are still not yet adults and are also going through a LOT as they move through puberty, etc. They still do not have a fully developed pre-frontal cortex which might allow them to communicate in a polite and respectful manner when they are upset.
So I would encourage you to NOT TAKE IT PERSONALLY. Yes, even when they swear at you, or say they hate you, or other shocking things. When you are able to take a deep breath (or even better, take five!) and remain calm, letting the nasty thing they just said (or did) hang in the air between you (not taking it in), you can then get RIGHT to the heart of the matter, which is your child’s pain in that moment.
Now, to be clear, I am not suggesting that people saying or doing hurtful things doesn’t hurt. Of course it can! BUT, we do have a choice as to whether we allow those words in and how much weight we give them, OR whether we let them roll off our backs so we can get right to helping our child. Our job is always to de-escalate the drama, not to add fuel to the flames. So if we DO end up feeling hurt, that is OUR OWN hurt to deal with, not our child’s responsibility and we can always tend to ourselves later and maybe even get curious as to why a child’s language or behaviour is getting us so worked up in the first place.
I am also NOT suggesting that rude behaviour, mean words, swearing or other aggressive acts should be “allowed” or encouraged in your family.
Of course you will need to set limits and remind children that “Our family rule is always be respectful, even when we’re upset” or whatever your rule/limit is. But the time for reinforcing that limit, or having a conversation about it is DEFINITELY not in the moment, when things are heated and the child is so upset. That is the time your child needs your calm, your empathy for the fact they are struggling and your warm, comforting presence. You will likely not be able to offer these things if you take the behaviours personally.
Now I know this is sooo much easier said than done. Believe me, it’s hard for me too sometimes. It does take a lot of practice and work, but I can promise you that it will change your relationship with your child and help you get through rough moments with grace and ease.
So, how do we actually do it? Not take it personally? Here’s a suggestion. The next time your child screams something nasty at you - “I hate you! You’re the worst mom ever!” (feel free to throw in a few expletives if your child tends to go that route), imagine you are inside a big, protective bubble. The bubble around you is impermeable to aggressive acts and words. They simply can’t get in.
And so, what you are left with is only WORDS, hanging in the air between you. Let the words stay there. They don’t have the power to hurt you (if you don’t let them!).
And instead of reacting and panicking about how you absolutely MUST ensure they never say this again, or you MUST punish them so they know how serious this is, which will surely escalate the situation…take a deep breath (or five!). And say something like, “Oh, ouch! You must be really upset to speak to me that way. What’s going on, sweetie? Mom is here to help.”
Do you worry this sounds permissive? It really isn’t, because if your goal is to emotion coach your child and show them a better way to handle their upsets, you will be modelling that for them by remaining calm. You will also diffuse a situation that could end up spiralling out of control and ruining the rest of the day for both of you.
Remember that when your child says something nasty to you, or behaves badly, it is simply an SOS - a signal that something is not right for them in their world and they are out of sorts. They may even have “flipped their lid” and not be able to access their rational, thinking brain as they are acting out of their fight, flight, freeze response. They can’t learn a lesson in that moment - first they need to feel safe and understood.
Much later on, when everyone is calm (even days later if necessary), you CAN and absolutely SHOULD bring up the offending behaviour and say something like, “Remember yesterday, when you got so upset at Mom and you screamed and swore at me? Yeah, that didn’t feel very good. You know we don’t speak to each other like that in our family. You NEVER need to speak to me like that sweetie. I will always listen to you and help you when you’re having a rough time.” Your child likely already feels badly about it and if you have a strong connection, they will be thankful for the opportunity to make a repair.
With many exchanges like this, over time they will build the self-regulation skills to let you know in a more appropriate way when they are struggling and to ask for your help. They will learn that they don’t need to escalate their behaviour to be heard. And they will also learn a super important lesson - that their parent loves them even when they’re acting like a jerk, that their parent “gets it” and understands that sometimes they say things they don’t mean in the heat of the moment, that their parent will always be there to listen and help when they are having a hard time.
These are the lessons that will help them to curb the behaviour and teach them how to speak to and have respect for the people in their lives. So the next time your child acts out and hurls something ugly your way, call up your bubble and try to NOT TAKE IT PERSONALLY. It’s a parenting tool that just might transform your relationship with your child.