Why Won’t They Listen???
Do you wish your kids would listen to you more? Connection is key!
8 Minute Read
One of the most common things I hear from parents is, My kids don’t listen to me! I know just how frustrating this can be. You ask them to do something and don’t even get an acknowledgement that they heard you. You tell them it’s time for dinner and they sass back, or worse, outright refuse to come to the table! You remind them to make their bed (for the 10th time) and still the task goes undone. Soooo irritating, am I right?
As parents we feel disrespected, insulted and frustrated. Why won’t they just listen to us???
But here’s a truth bomb - kids and parents have completely different priorities. Read that sentence again. Kids often do not want the same things that we want. And that is absolutely OK.
Kids are not adults. They do not have fully developed prefrontal cortexes. They do not share the same responsibilities, worries or cares that we do. They act like children because they ARE children. Kids are creatures who absolutely live in the moment - and what a beautiful thing that can be. They are often totally absorbed in their play (which is the “work” of children) and the things they are doing are deeply meaningful to them (not to mention vital for their development). But all of this is why it can be hard to pull them out of their world in order to do something they consider boring, unimportant or unenjoyable.
Think of it this way - if you were engrossed in a movie, or working on your laptop, or immersed in a creative endeavour and someone asked you (or hollered at you) to stop what you were doing to do something you had little interest in, what would your response be? Would you feel inclined to do as they asked? You might be irritated, frustrated, or downright enraged. Or, you might not even hear them if you were deeply engaged.
This is exactly what’s happening for kids when we ask them to do something they don’t particularly want to do, especially if they’re really in a state of “flow” with their activity. Often their “not listening” isn’t a matter of intentional disrespect. They just have different priorities.
So it helps to pull back the camera to see things from their point of view and reframe how we think about this. And it REALLY helps to not take it personally. If we can keep our cool and remember that they just have different priorities, it can take some of the heat from our voices, reduce our irritation and make us more inclined toward emotional generosity in our “ask”.
If our expectation is that our kids will instantly stop what they’re doing and attend to what we want them to do with nary a complaint, we might be in for some disappointment. Especially if our connection isn’t strong.
Connection is the key piece in getting our kids to listen to us. In fact, it’s the only way to get them to stop doing what they want to do in order to do what we are asking them to do - they need to be OK with giving up something they want in order to get something they want more - a warm connection with us.
Deepening your connection with your child is a daily practice. Putting in the time and energy on the front end can end up saving you time, frustration and meltdowns on the back end. When it comes to connection, it’s all about preventive maintenance.
That said, connecting in the moment you want your child to listen to you can also go a loooonnnngg way! Let’s take an example of what this can look like. Let’s say your children have been having some screen time while you’ve been getting dinner ready. Food is on the table so you yell “Dinner’s ready!” across the room to them. Nobody answers. Nobody looks your way. Now here’s an important bit - if you get no response, DON’T REPEAT YOUR REQUEST. You haven’t got their attention.
Instead, put down whatever you are in the midst of doing, take a deep breath to maintain your cool and remind yourself that they’re not intentionally defying or disrespecting you - they are simply engaged in their activity. (And if that activity involves a screen?? Well, holy moly we all know the extra challenges there). The next step…you are going to move in closer to them.
Here’s where Gordon Neufeld (author of Hold Onto Your Kids) suggests to “get in their face in a friendly way”.
In other words - try connecting with them. Go over and sit beside them on the couch, maybe putting your hand on their shoulder, and comment on what they’re watching. “Oooh, this looks like a good episode. What’s happening in this one?”
At this point because you aren’t yelling at them, don’t sound angry, and seem genuinely interested in what they are doing, they might just answer you, telling you about their show. They might even look you in the eye. You can listen and then repeat your request, “It sounds like a really good show AND it’s time for dinner.”
Here’s where things sometimes fall apart for parents. Because not very many kids are going to jump up, switch off the boob tube and head to the table with a smile on their face. Why not? Not because they are ungrateful little brats who NEVER listen, but because they were doing something they enjoyed and now they’re being asked to stop it to do something they don’t feel is enjoyable or important.
So, you can expect some grumbling. But, if you give them a moment and can keep your sense of humour and cajole them along a little, they will likely turn off the show and grudgingly come to the table. It might not look perfect, but there will be no massive meltdowns, no yelling parent, no dinner ruined yet again. I don’t know about you, but I count that as a win.
Yes, some kids will still refuse and you’ll need to set a firm, but empathetic limit that the TV must go off and that it’s time to eat dinner (more on setting empathic limits in another blog!). If their outright refusal to do as you ask is happening on a regular basis, it’s just a signal that the relationship needs some work. And the connection piece needs some strengthening.
Another tool to help with getting kids to listen is to engage cooperation, either in a playful way, or by offering choices. So you could offer, “It’s almost dinnertime. Do you want to turn the TV off now or in five minutes? In five minutes? Ok, five minutes with no fuss, let’s shake on it”. It might seem too simple but I’d highly recommend giving it a whirl and seeing how your kiddos respond.
Another piece to consider is - we want our kids to listen to us, but how often do we really listen to them? I mean actually LISTENING - like putting down the phone, looking them in the eye and really hearing what they are trying to tell us kinda listening. The kind where we don’t jump in to correct, teach, offer our opinions, etc. Just listening to them with our whole hearts and repeating back to them what we’ve heard - to show that we’re really getting it.
Kids will not always do what you say, but they will ALWAYS do what you do. So if you are modelling respectful listening, this will go a long way towards encouraging your child to listen up when you’ve got something important to say.
Does this all seem like a lot of work? Does it rub you the wrong way that you should have to go to all this trouble just to get your kids to do as you ask? Just to get them to listen? If you’re feeling this way, consider that it might be the influences of traditional parenting hanging like cobwebs over your head. With old skool traditional parenting we were taught that children don’t deserve this kind of attention or respect. That they should ask how high when we tell them to jump - just because we are the adults and they are the kids. That they should be seen but not heard. That they should respect their parents (and all adults) at all times regardless of who we are to them and how we treat them. And that they should always LISTEN to us and obey our every command.
But research shows that kids don’t listen to and obey us just because. They either do so out of fear (of the consequences we will impose if they DON’T obey), or because of their warm connection to us. Because they want that connection to stay intact. Remember that until children feel connected, they have no reason to follow our guidance.
What proponents of traditional parenting don’t tell you is that children will generally cooperate with you when they believe that you are on their side. When they don’t feel that they are WAY less likely to do what we ask, especially when what we’re asking them to do is sucky or lame (from their perspective).
Now, this doesn’t mean that we don’t set limits or that our small peeps don’t have to do the things we ask of them. But, when we’ve adjusted our mindset (seeing it from their point of view) and allowed their feelings (ie, letting them express their disappointment about having to do what we’re asking them to do), we will find ourselves soooo much closer to that instant compliance we all dream of.
Give it a try the next time you want your child to listen to you - just remember to connect before you direct! You don’t have to share each other’s priorities. But you do have to acknowledge and accommodate each other’s needs. That’s just part of being in a family.