Choosing A Parenting Style
Is choosing a parenting style or philosophy even necessary? And if it is, how the heck do I do it?
7 minute read
Before I had kids I don’t think I’d given much thought to what style of parenting I would subscribe to. It didn’t make sense to me to back a single parenting style/philosophy, figuring parents should just pick and choose which bits of each parenting style worked best for them and their particular child. After all, how could any one book, philosophy, or methodology work perfectly for everyone’s unique child? Every family and every circumstance is different, right?
Once I had my own kiddos I continued thinking I would just go with the flow and “figure it out along the way”. But, once I was knee-deep in parenting two young humans, surviving off sandwich crusts, trying to remember how to put the Ergo on properly and only getting a few hours of sleep every night, there was absolutely ZERO time to figure anything out on the fly. I didn’t have time to figure out how to use a baby snot sucker, never mind sorting out how I wanted to parent my children for the next 18 years!
But man oh man have I ever changed my tune. If I could go back in time I would have made sure I’d spent more time figuring out just HOW I wanted to raise my children, before they were earth-side and my world was flipped upside down. It might have saved me a lot of pain and struggle in those early years.
Not that choosing how to parent is an easy decision. Every year it seems like there are more parenting styles, methods and trends cropping up that make the whole parenting thing even more overwhelming. We’ve moved from the original four parenting styles coined by child development psychologist Diana Baumrind in the ’60’s (authoritarian, authoritative - hate that the first two sound so similar -, permissive and uninvolved), to the myriad of philosophies today including attachment parenting, positive or gentle parenting, peaceful parenting, free-range parenting (apparently not just for chickens!), slow parenting and probably dozens more!
The advice given is often so contradictory and confusing that parents find themselves questioning their every move. Advice like, always carry your baby so they’ll form a healthy attachment VS make sure you are putting your baby down so they can gain some independence and not get spoiled. And, cosleeping is the best way to nighttime parent but also DON’T sleep with your baby because you might roll on them and also they’ll never learn to sleep on their own. When your kids act up send them to the naughty spot/step/corner/ for however many minutes per age VS talk to them about their transgressions and allow all feelings and emotions.
Have you ever heard any of these?
Let your baby use a soother….goodness gracious NEVER let your baby use a soother!
Don’t do anything for your child that they can do for themselves… but also help your child whenever you can so they know they can rely on you! Huh?
Start sleep training at 3 months, 6 months, 12 months, NEVER sleep-train - what are you, a monster???
Letting your baby cry-it-out is totally harmless/harmful.
Never give your child juice out of a red cup - it promotes anger and aggression vs always give your child juice in a red cup so they grow up powerful and strong.
OK, I made that last one up, but you get my point. Oh and did I say juice?? I meant water. One should NEVER give their child juice…except 1/4 cup once a day is fine and only if it’s sugar-free. Did I say sugar-free? I meant organic. AGH!! It’s enough to make your head spin.
Wading through all this contrary advice can also be super guilt inducing. If you read a parenting book strongly promoting one way of parenting and you have NOT been parenting that way, you feel awful and wonder if you’ve broken your child. Another pitfall is that you can get lost in researching and reading up on these diverging philosophies and never actually step into doing the work involved with them.
It can be enough to turn us off of ANY parenting philosophy and lead more of us into thinking we’ll just make up our own custom parenting style as we go.
The problem with this idea, which I can attest to firsthand, is that when you hit trouble spots with your kids (especially related to behavior) you’re fumbling around in the dark in those moments, trying to decide how to discipline, what words to use, what kind of punishment (or reward) will work best. And when it doesn’t “work” you’re left frustrated and dejected wondering why nobody told you parenting would be this hard!
Nowadays, I still believe that every parent, every family and every child is unique, but I’ve completely changed my tune on parenting philosophies. The reason being? Well, I found a parenting method that absolutely changed my life and has helped with almost EVERY SINGLE parenting challenge I’ve encountered (and with two spirited kiddos - one of whom is neurodivergent, I’ve encountered my fair share of challenges).
Peaceful Parenting, for me, has taken all of the guesswork out of parenting by offering a research and relationship-based model that really does help to raise great kids (and makes parenting more fun!). It is simple and practical and I really did start seeing results almost immediately. That’s the sales pitch. Here’s the honesty. Does all of the above mean that Peaceful Parenting is easy? No. It’s probably the hardest work you’ll do - but heck, parenting is already the toughest job in the world, so why not put in the effort on the front end so you can enjoy parenting more in your day to day? So you’re not fumbling in the dark in those challenging moments.
Having a solid parenting philosophy in your corner also gives your parenting purpose and helps you stay on track when navigating sticky situations (and with kids underfoot things are almost always sticky!). It can guide your day to day interactions with your kids, providing you a framework that is akin to a parenting road-map, getting you from point A to point B more easily and with more joy and love.
I know some people think parenting should just be innate. That we don’t “need” parenting styles or philosophies telling us what to do and making a natural process so complicated. But here’s the thing - there is nothing natural (or easy) about parenting without support in our fast-paced, modern world. These days we barely have time to catch our breath, let alone solve parenting challenges on our own!
I truly believe we were never meant to raise children like this, without the proverbial “village” to back us up and provide the support, advice and guidance that we all so desperately need. And we can find that village through our chosen parenting philosophy. And sometimes, finding a like-minded community of parents, finding resources from trusted websites, books and experts, finding that support we all need and deserve, can make ALL the difference in how we feel about ourselves as parents.
Now, sometimes it’s not about us. Sometimes parenting becomes less about what we, as parents, want and becomes more about what our KIDS NEED to be the best versions of themselves. Now, before anyone gets their undies in a bunch, please know that I am NOT advocating for disregarding your wants and needs as a parent, or suggesting you don’t factor into the equation here. BUT, if we want to get truthful, we do often need to put our kids first. And when we figure out what it is they need (and I don’t mean things like the latest Playstation or Yeezy slides) - I’m talking about things like acceptance, mastery, connection, etc (the things that actually make kids grow, thrive and learn), we realize that we owe it to them to sort out the best delivery method.
Some kids would likely turn out just fine regardless of the parenting philosophy their parents subscribed to. But there are other kids, the “more” kids, the really challenging kids, the kids with extra needs, who NEED positive or peaceful parenting to bring out the best in them.
All I know is that I spent more time and energy decorating my baby’s room and making a birth plan than I ever did considering how I actually wanted to RAISE my precious little beings. I simply thought I could make it up as I went along. And then realized I didn’t have to. Because Peaceful Parenting had everything I needed (and more importantly everything my kids needed!) And more.
I didn’t need to re-invent the wheel. I just needed to learn and then step up and do the hard work.
So, despite the overwhelming possibilities, I would highly recommend choosing a parenting philosophy that feels right for you and your family. Get out there and find your village. It might just be one of the most important decisions you’ll ever make.